I spend a lot of my time lying down. One of the things I love about working from home is being able to work lying down. I also relax lying down. The existence of laptops means that I can literally work with my computer on my lap every day. Sitting or standing for too long triggers pain throughout my back. Often sitting and working at a desk makes my upper back (between my shoulders) scream and shout—I feel deep stabbing pain and long-drawn-out soreness. Standing too long triggers my lower back and makes it ache and ache.
Sometimes, I think I have a handle on everything—that I’ve finally achieved acceptance and balance. And then I get knocked off balance by some new ailment.
I often feel like an expert in being chronically ill. I know how to look up doctors on my insurance company’s website. I know to ask if they cover me just in case when I make an appointment. I know to ask if the tests are covered as well when they suggest something. I know how many physicals and dental check-ups I get a year and I know what out of network versus in network means. I know how to get reimbursed for out of pocket expenses. I know what an FSA is. I know I can ask my pharmacist if the medications I take could have dangerous interactions.
I love to travel but there are so many moving parts and elements that I cannot control. I worry about forgetting something. This is magnified a thousand-fold when traveling, because if I forgot something I can’t just go back for it later or get it in a few hours. I start to catastrophize—like what will I do if I forget my medication? Or what if I forgot to turn off the oven and my place burns down while I’m gone?
Why do we need to be different? Everywhere this time of year there are advertisements for New Year’s resolutions that will change you: make you better, make you different, make you a new you for the new year. Why do we want that? Why are we so unhappy with who we are?