Fear can make us small. It can make us paranoid, nervous, suspicious, unfriendly, close-minded and all these things that I don’t want to be. My anxiety and OCD means that I get scared a lot. Ordinary things that don’t scare other people scare me. Some days I’m more scared than others. Some days I have to really psych myself up to go outside or get in the car or even video chat someone for the first time.
There’s a lot of discussion in the world about “if you wait until you’re ready, you’ll never do it” or “don’t wait until you’re ready, the world is at the end of your comfort zone.” For many people “ready” seems like a dirty word. It’s an excuse or a limit to what you can do, a crutch. But crutches exist for a reason—to help you walk when you’re injured.
Yesterday afternoon I was lying on the acupuncture bed, trying (and failing) not to wince when the acupuncturist lightly touched a tender muscle before putting in a needle. I had been traveling for family and was still stiff, sore, and knotted up after the long flights.
I found out today that there is a high school reunion scheduled for September. I’ve been cordially invited to stay with a friend of mine from high school (and one of the only people I want to and can bear to talk to from high school). Thankfully, it was over facebook message so I could just click out of the page before responding instinctually.
Why Changing Careers Fills Me With Relief
One thing that I didn’t expect to feel after deciding to leave my program was relief and lightness. I thought I would feel regret and sadness, and I did and I do. But I also feel joy that all the things I worried about my program and my future on that path are no longer relevant.