There’s so much advice online about talking to oneself as a friend. You’re supposed to stop the negative self-talk that’s just making you more anxious and depressed. One of the number one pieces of advice on the internet is to treat yourself with kindness. You write out positive affirmations and say them into the mirror. Or you repeat mantras.
I was talking to a new doctor the other day: explaining my surgical history. You see, I’ve had the same surgery twice. I first had reconstructive surgery when I was thirteen years old. My spine was an S-curve: both curves around 85-90 degrees. My right lung was collapsing and my heart was being squeezed. I had to have surgery to stay alive. I was and still am grateful to my surgeon.
I found out today that there is a high school reunion scheduled for September. I’ve been cordially invited to stay with a friend of mine from high school (and one of the only people I want to and can bear to talk to from high school). Thankfully, it was over facebook message so I could just click out of the page before responding instinctually.
Growing Up Playing with Makeup
Like many young women, I experimented a lot with makeup when I was a pre-teen and teenager. My friends and I went off to the local drugstore and bought eye shadow in virulent shades of blue, green, and purple. We got lip smackers in soda flavors. We tried out different eye liners and mascaras to try to get dramatic and smoky eyes.
I don’t think it’s an accident that I started showing signs of OCD in my early preteen years, right around the time I entered middle school and started wearing a back brace part of the day, in addition to the nights, to correct my crooked spine.
I was afraid of other illnesses and accidents happening to me or my family. I worried that if I didn’t knock on wood (a casual superstition to many people), that I could cause bad things to happen to my loved ones. Continue reading “My Need for Reassurance Was A Source of Shame But Is Now a Source of Connection: Here is How”