It’s been a long time since I’ve written. I’ve been going through a stressful time health wise (what else is new?), and I haven’t been able to focus. I’ve had fun new symptoms like horrible night sweats almost every night. It’s not glamorous or fun. In fact, I’ve been feeling a bit ashamed by these sweats, despite knowing that they are fairly common. So now I’m trying to be a bit more open about this common symptom that a lot of people have to deal with (so much so that I found pajamas advertised specifically for night sweats…that help a little).
Why do we need to be different? Everywhere this time of year there are advertisements for New Year’s resolutions that will change you: make you better, make you different, make you a new you for the new year. Why do we want that? Why are we so unhappy with who we are?
There’s so much advice online about talking to oneself as a friend. You’re supposed to stop the negative self-talk that’s just making you more anxious and depressed. One of the number one pieces of advice on the internet is to treat yourself with kindness. You write out positive affirmations and say them into the mirror. Or you repeat mantras.
I was talking to a new doctor the other day: explaining my surgical history. You see, I’ve had the same surgery twice. I first had reconstructive surgery when I was thirteen years old. My spine was an S-curve: both curves around 85-90 degrees. My right lung was collapsing and my heart was being squeezed. I had to have surgery to stay alive. I was and still am grateful to my surgeon.
I found out today that there is a high school reunion scheduled for September. I’ve been cordially invited to stay with a friend of mine from high school (and one of the only people I want to and can bear to talk to from high school). Thankfully, it was over facebook message so I could just click out of the page before responding instinctually.