I’ve come to realize that in addition to the shower, I do my thinking (not just best, but most thinking) with my eyes closed. I don’t reflect well staring out a window or gazing at a wall. I don’t contemplate while eating my oatmeal.
Instead of the relief and relaxed feeling I was hoping to feel after I passed my comprehensive exams, I’m dealing with jaw problems.
I’ve been procrastinating writing this for a while. I finished my comprehensive exams and then orally defended them this past Friday. And not only was I exhausted, but my anxiety was at a peak as long with everything that came with it.
Some of these not good days aren’t even bad days. They are just not good. The weather might be gloomy or chillier or windier than normal. I might be even clumsier than I normally am and drop my mug or spill my oatmeal in the morning. I might miss the train and have to wait for another. Or my back might be extra sore, for no reason at all.
I don’t think it’s an accident that I started showing signs of OCD in my early preteen years, right around the time I entered middle school and started wearing a back brace part of the day, in addition to the nights, to correct my crooked spine.
I was afraid of other illnesses and accidents happening to me or my family. I worried that if I didn’t knock on wood (a casual superstition to many people), that I could cause bad things to happen to my loved ones. Continue reading “My Need for Reassurance Was A Source of Shame But Is Now a Source of Connection: Here is How”