The last few weeks have been hard anxiety-wise. And I have no reason or explanation for it at all. I’m not feeling particularly stressed or worried about anything more than normal.
In fact, I’ve been feeling pretty positive about the warming temperatures, a new volunteering opportunity, and the fact that finally, finally, we are replacing our floor this week. Most of all, I’m starting to feel more like myself after adjusting my medication the last few months. I’m no longer as tired or sleepy as I’ve been through most of the last couple of months.
I feel that I should be happy and relaxed, but instead, my anxiety has been quite high. I have constant surges of adrenaline, can’t focus, and have trouble meditating (more than usual anyway).
I’ve been trying new things to help as I’ve described in earlier posts, but nothing is really helping. Sometimes, I just have to rely on my panic medication, because it’s the only thing that works.
It’s frustrating having to rely on my panic medication. It feels like I’m failing at controlling and managing my anxiety. I want to be able to work through it, but this reminds me that anxiety is a disease.
Anxiety is not a weakness or an emotion or lack of healthy living. Luckily, some tweaks to lifestyle can help, but they can’t cure or eradicate anxiety. It’s something I have to live with, just like my chronic physical pain.
I have learned that with the meds, I can manage that feeling. I can feel anxious in the pit of my stomach and still function. I can get used to that feeling of dread, as long as it doesn’t rise too high. My pulse can be quite high and I can still work through my goals for the day and week.
Sometimes I can’t do what I want to, so I switch to something else that requires less focus or attention to detail. It requires me to accommodate my anxiety, similar to how I accommodate my chronic pain conditions.
I can’t get rid of all my pain and the levels shift day by day, so I have to accommodate them. I have to take breaks between errands and after certain tasks. It’s the same principle. Some days I’ve had to change my plans lately for anxiety, and sometimes it’s been for pain. And sometimes, of course, it’s for both.
Luckily, some things also help with both conditions, like lying down with a book and diffusing essential oils. Or drinking some tea with a heating pad. Or taking a nap. Or going for a walk on a nice day with fresh air.
I also keep hoping that other things I try will help, like working out or meditating. I know these things take time to start to change how I feel, but I keep doing them hoping that eventually, they will make me feel physically and mentally better.
I’ve been trying to piece together moments and periods in which I feel good—like a patchwork quilt of good memories, of the days I can get excited about things and the work I’m happy to do, and the times I connect with people I love and who inspire me
It’s taken me longer than I’d like to write this post. The anxiety I’ve been feeling as made thinking and writing difficult. I haven’t felt creative or energetic, and I’ve had to focus my energy on my responsibilities to others and not just to myself.
Prioritizing is something I’ve had to learn more and more as I’ve gotten older and have had to work through my physical and mental illnesses. I am trying to take to heart the maxim, “I can do anything, but I can’t do everything.”
And that means sometimes having to take a break from blogging when I need to use my limited energy to focus on my other responsibilities. It’s not that blogging isn’t important, but I can’t do it all during harder periods.
Although, honestly, I would like to prioritize blogging more, because I think it helps with the anxiety! So I’m going to try to be more consistent. Wish me luck!